The Crash Report; Leadbelt National Enduro 2014
The day started just as any other, a quick shower and a little hustle to get moving. Somewhere between pickup point two and three trouble became an active word in our vocabulary for the weekend. As we rounded a corner in the mighty V6 twin turbo Ford F-150 we noticed a flash of silver in the side view. The screws holding the trailers passenger side fender on gave up the fight and the fender was flapping in the breeze like a sky diving granny’s arms and creating more sparks than a monkey in welding school. We quickly pulled over to assess the situation and decided to yank it and add it the growing cargo load in the trailer. That taken care of, we hurried to the last of our pick up points and hit the road for the 7 hour trek to Park Hills, Mo.
The ride to the race was rather uneventful aside from checking us all in at an adult video store on Facebook and proclaiming it to have the best arcade in Missouri. If that raises your eyebrows, you must not have gotten the memo, the Woods-Bros are deviants of the best variety. We are constantly messing with each other with such antics and the mom jokes run deep and hard, just like your sister likes it.
Upon arrival to the pits it was clear that we were there to cash oversized checks and pop champagne since it took two of us half an hour to install a slip-on exhaust onto McNubbin’s new 2014 YZ250F. We can’t help it if we’re too pretty to know how to work on bikes and besides, there was beer to be drank and Quadcopters to fly!
After installing a muffler onto McNubbins bike and “engineering” a spark arrestor for the huskier Sloan husky we rolled hard over to sign up and then to tech inspection. The McNubbin mobile didn’t even get checked, but the “handsy” tech inspector got aggresive with his probing on mine and Sloan’s bikes. Luckily my retro graphiced KTM is legit and the outstanding electrical tape and safety wire “spark deterant” we fabbed into baffle plug of the Sloan sled held up. We got our gold stickers and proceeded back to the trailer. There was beer there and I hadn’t finished my Rt. 44 Dr. Pepper from lunch.
They say that in West Hollywood, when the sun goes down the freaks come out and I firmly believe that to be true at any good enduro. Unfortunately there were no dancing girls riding around in Rzrs at this event like White Rock earlier this year, but there was Hubbert’s uber gay, ktm orange lawn recliner. He had given specific instructions to not take the chair to the race. Of course we disobeyed that right off the bat and when we sent him a picture of the chair with McNubbin sitting in it he blew up.
Jason — “Get out of my chair!”
McNubbin — “Gonna put my nuts in your chair!”
Jason — “NOOOOO %*#(% (incoherent screaming)”
Jason — “Just burn it, I give up. I hate you guys”
After that was over, we retired for the evening, morning would come quick and it would be a rush to get ready for our 10:29 start time on row 89.
In the morning, I was able to do a few arial videos of the start and snap a few pictures of the pros before strolling back to the trailer and getting geared up and arriving at the start line about 3 minutes before my row. It was a calculated move on my part to have to rush the last 15 minutes before starting so as to get my heart rate up in advance and ward off arm pump and it worked surprisingly well. I still got a little tight but my forearms were nothing like a 16 year old’s boner which is the norm for out of shape racers.
The first 100 yards a cool sand area and some rocks before slamming you into tight woods with slot car ruts before opening up again after a quarter mile. The rest of the test was fast, open and rough. It was fun. Test 2 was more of the same with more single track and an epic top gear, top speed run down a sand river flat for at least half a mile. Test 3 started brutally before opening up and then returning to “normal” conditions. I considered this my second favorite test as it had a little bit of everything in it. Test 4 was an amazing section with 3rd gear open flow and a roller coaster feel until the last half mile. I heard some complaints about the tight or nasty stuff throughout the race, but I don’t have time for sissy’s and no longer consider those people my friends.
The ride home was fairly non eventful besides the fact that we were doing 55mph most of the way. Why you ask? Oh I suppose the broken leaf spring shackle on the trailer causing it to pull crooked and run 3 tires down to cords was the culprit but I would have to blame Sloan for being such a whiny little puss for driving without the reckless abandon that is the true mark of a Wood-Bro.
It was after midnight when I finally pulled in to Casa De Wiener and the Titty Commander was sound asleep as I crawled into bed. As I lay there petting the dogs I thought back on the weekend and it occured to me, Enduros are good shit and I really hate the Titty Commander’s Maltese.